The Interview
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: Bringing you the hard hitting questions you've always wanted to know about your favorite Organization members! Served up fresh and hot with a side of JUSTICE! Parody.


Two figures sat opposite a group of thirteen people sitting in a line of chairs. The first figure sitting opposite the thirteen was a manly man male with some remarkably feminine features coated and crushed under Goth Loli clothes.

The second was an androgynous person lost among a cloud of thrift store sparkles. No one in the room was quite sure of the person's gender and it didn't really concern them as the two opposites kept exchanging worrying glances. At least, they were worrying to the thirteen sitting across from them.

The second spoke up first. "I'm so happy that everyone was able to make it…now…you think we should start Infernum?" The male Infernum turned to the genderless mist and grinned with a reply. "There's little else that we need, eh Acerbus?" Infernum then leaned in to whisper loudly into Acerbus' ear, "Of course I don't think anyone across from us uses lube anyway, so we shouldn't have to worry."

This loud whisper was happily heard by everyone as Infernum had meant it and it also thoroughly freaked them out. A few were frowning while others seemed offended…and then one was smiling. Acerbus sighed happily. "Ah, good, I was almost worried. You always take care of everything Infernum." The other shrugged and then whipped around to the others.

"Tis time to start this interview! Prepare to be bedazzled bitches!" Acerbus smiled with eyes half closed as the others squirmed. Acerbus pulled a notebook out of the fog of glitter that seemed to hover around them and proceeded.

"Now gentlemen and woman," promptly nodding to the only woman sitting across from them, "the reason that you have all been called here is because we needed to answers from you, cutting the middle man and reaping the benefits of a firsthand source."

Acerbus looked down at the pad and scanned over the notes written there and then looked up again. "I honestly don't know too much about your lovely…dwelling, so you must excuse some of my more elementary questions." A blue haired, gloomy looking person across from them nodded accordingly, seemingly pleased by the forewarned politeness.

Acerbus ignored it and went on with the first question. "Okay, question number one! Now, which one is Zexion?" The earlier nodding person spoke quietly. "I am Zexion." Acerbus smiled warmly, "I'm so happy that you're open!" Zexion allowed himself a smile as the overly buoyant nature of the questionnaire caught him off guard. The other people around him leaned outwards to make sure that they were seeing him correctly.

Acerbus continued. "Now, Zexion, are you Emo?" He started. "I beg your pardon?!" Acerbus persisted and repeated the question. "I said, are you Emo?" Zexion furrowed. "Miss, I don't know what—" Acerbus interrupted, "it's sir." Everyone in the room jumped at this, but Zexion stuttered through.

"Well, sir, what does this question have to do with anything?" Acerbus smiled again, letting glacial features show through the warm smile. "It has nothing to do with anything, but I would appreciate it if you would answer the question."

Zexion huffed. "I am not sure how to answer the question as I do not believe that I am…Emo…" Acerbus cocked a head to the side and quickly pushed. "Do you prefer playing Nintendo over Playstation?" Zexion was caught off guard again. "Absolutely…but what does that have to do with anything?"

Acerbus finished the thought. "Well then, according to the musical principles of the song, "I must be Emo," then you are most definitely Emo. Congratulations and I will see you after the interview." Zexion started to interrupt, but then self defeated and sank down into his chair.

Acerbus smiled. "Now, who's next?" Infernum smiled and took over for the next question. "Okay, it's my turn to ask a question. My question goes to Lexaeus," he said pointing a finger to the brunette. "Okay, my question is, are you a really, REALLY butch lesbian? I just gotta know!"

The butch brunette automatically reacted with a shout in his very Barry White-esque voice, "What?! NO!" Infernum widened his eyes. "Are you OBJECTING to me asking you if you are a LESBIAN?!" The over reacting accused quieted down with near fright in his eyes. Infernum continued.

"Does that mean that you are…HOMOPHOBIC?!" Nearly everyone in the room gasped. Infernum clucked his tongue and continued. "If that's true, then you are soooo gonna get your ass kicked. And I will see YOU after the interview." A strange giggle escaped from Acerbus' throat as Infernum mentally passed the interview back over.

"Okay, my next question goes to Xemnas," the stated raised his hand quickly like a bizarre kindergarten girl and Acerbus, irritated, ignored him continuing, "who I can tell who he is because of the question…" A glare and the hand came down into a small pout.

Acerbus cleared their throat and asked, "Now, seriously Xemnas, do you keep your tanning bed on Jamaican or something because I really don't know what in the hell is up with that tan…" The accused jumped a little and then huffed, tilting his head up. "No, of course not. This tan is natural. I don't even own a tanning bed!"

Acerbus took in a sharp intake of breath before Kawaiing quickly and then returning to a triumphant smile. "I KNEW IT! XEMNAS, YOU'RE PUERTO RICAN!!!" Xemnas corresponded with another widening of eyes as the eye patched person beside him jumped up with an accusing finger, "I KNEW IT!" Xemnas angrily looked around as a few people a few seats down were swallowing laughter.

He muttered slowly, "Xigbar…sit down…I will see YOU after the interview." Xigbar arm pumped and then gracefully landed in his seat again. Infernum picked it up again with a grin. "Okay, so my next question is for…Xigbar!" The named jumped excitedly and patty-caked for a few moments to everyone's stares and worry.

Xigbar thumped his shoulders and steadied himself for the next question. Infernum slowly veered his eyes off to the side in worry that there could be someone even crazier than Acerbus in town. He continued anyhow. "Well, I need to know, why do you wear an eye patch?" Xigbar looked let down. "Is that all?" Infernum nodded.

Xigbar sighed and looked at the ceiling for a moment before going on an explanation. "Well…you know how sometimes you shake a bottle of ketchup and it doesn't want to come out, so you look into the neck of the bottle and then it all sprays in your face?" Infernum nodded amusingly as the rest of the group had looks of extreme worry on their face.

"Well, that kind of happened to me…except I was helping Vexen and it was a bottle of acid…" Infernum nodded as a few of the others cringed as their own questions were answered. Infernum continued. "Ah, I get it. So you lost the eye." Xigbar blinked. "What are you talking about?" He quickly held up the eye patch to reveal a perfectly healthy, un-acidified eye.

Everyone nearly fell out of their seats. Infernum cocked his head to the side and continued. "HUH?! WELL THEN WHY DO YOU WEAR IT?!" Xigbar calmly replied as he shot a look over to Vexen who looked the most shocked of all. "I wear it for two reasons. One is that it looks cool. The other is because I don't want Vexen to forget that he still owes me for that bottle of acid…YOU STILL OWE ME $2.50 BITCH!!!" Infernum patted Xigbar on the shoulder and slowly eased him back into his respective seat.

Infernum looked over at Acerbus who then carried the interview again. "Anyway, getting over that…my next question goes to…umm…which one is Xaldin?" A larger bearded man with dreadlocks raised his hand brusquely as he was balancing his chin on the other.

Acerbus nodded politely to him before narrowing their eyes. "So Xaldin…do you have any purpose at all?" He shot upwards, a little angrily. "What?! What are you talking about?! Of course I have a purpose!" Acerbus pursed their lips. "Do you do anything in particular around the castle or mission wise?"

"…umm…"

"Do you take leadership and organize groups into various jobs _successfully?"_

"…umm…"

"Are you an accountant?"

"…no…"

"There you have it. You are useless." Xaldin's lip quivered for just a moment before he began sobbing into his hands uncontrollably. Vexen slowly patted him on the back as though he was used to this. Acerbus passed the pad over again and Infernum spoke up, regaining control of the room.

"Now the next is question is for Larxene." The bubble-gum blowing Larxene raised her eyebrows. "It's about time you got to me. I thought that it would never get to me! You should have gotten to me sooner! I mean honestly haven't you ever heard of ladies first? God, are you are like uncultur—" Infernum cut her off.

"My question is…are you related to Tsukamoto Tenma in any way or do you know her hairdresser?" Larxene blinked a few moments before releasing the valley girl within her. "Like what the heck are you talking about? I don't understand like the question. How is that like supposed to like make any sense to like anyone? I don't get it. You should like make your questions more like…easier to get…like know what I'm saying?"

Zexion, a few seats away was clutching his head in agony. Acerbus slowly turned to Infernum. "Do you hear S2 projectile vomiting in the distance as well?" Infernum nodded. "All the time hon, all the time." Acerbus sighed and shook the immense amount of stupid that they had just been coated with off like a layer of dust.

Acerbus slowly looked over at Larxene and attempted this again. "Girl, I love your hair, how did you get it lookin' so fab?" Larxene brightened completely. She patted it nonchalantly. "Oh, this mess? Well, it's natural actually. I'm part porcupine you know."

Acerbus blinked as a few people in the room chuckled, one murmuring out loud. "That explains a lot." Larxene tensed and suddenly changed her voice into that of an elderly ghetto woman. "Hey, Luxord, you wanna me shock yo' ass cross the room?" Luxord stood up beating his chest. "Bring it Bitch!"

Larxene then promptly shocked his ass across the room. He lay in a crumpled heap as Larxene sat back down, content. Acerbus leaned over. "Lexaeus, would you do me a favor and bring Luxord back over here?" Lexaeus complied, setting the smoking and dazed Brit on his seat again.

Acerbus continued. "Okay…next question…Saix…" The blue haired person looked up. He had been playing patty-cake with Demyx. "My question for you is…" Saix seemed thoroughly distracted and completely out of his head. He was panting loudly.

Acerbus looked at Infernum. "Can I take him out of the room for a moment?" Infernum nodded and Acerbus slowly led Saix out of the room. There was a strange explosive sound outside of the room before Acerbus calmly walked back in. Saix stumbled in as well, eye twitching and with a loss of balance.

Infernum looked questioningly at Acerbus who smiled and leaned over to whisper. "I didn't even have to make him undress and it actually is his natural color!" This was, yet again heard by everyone, but they were all much more curious as to how that info was found out without unclothing than the actual content. It took up everyone's heads until Infernum shook the conversation back to reality.

"Okay! Next question! This one's for Luxord!" The singed, but apparently fully conscious male looked over at Infernum as he continued with the questioning. "Where exactly are you from?" Luxord leaned back and smiled as his eyes lit up.

"Ah, lassie, I'm so charmed that you asked that ringer I am! I am from a wee town off the coast of Port and over the Gin Hills! It's a loverly little burg just outside Vodka Village and through Whiskey gorge, but not a far ways off of Rum lake and you can't miss it once you get just past Moonshine Pass!"

Infernum blinked. "How long have you been drinking?" Luxord nodded. "Since I could see over the counter." All eyes widened. "YOU'RE FROM GERMANY?!" Luxord frowned. "No…of course not. I'm from Liquorsville, Nebraska…I thought everyone knew that…"

The blinking went on as the notebook passed again. Acerbus re-determined focus. "Okay…let's retrieve some form of sanity now. Vexen, this question is for you." The named straightened up slightly. Acerbus went on. "…Are you a woman?" Vexen blinked. "Sir, I don't know how—" Acerbus once again cut him off.

"It's Miss." Everyone swerved over instantly. Most went with a resounding, "HUH?!" Acerbus simply crossed their legs and waited for the answer. Vexen hesitantly continued. "No…I'm not a woman…what manner of thinking led you to believe that I was female?"

Acerbus smiled. "Well, you have such beautiful eyes…I thought that you must work on them at least a little and your hair is so wonderfully conditioned…they're like the locks of Aphrodite…" Vexen blushed. "Oh…you needn't go that far." Acerbus pointed a finger and with a simple, "I knew it," passed the journal to Infernum. Vexen slumped dejectedly down as Zexion had done earlier.

Infernum dusted his hands quickly before looking up. "Okay…so Marluxia…" The pink haired one bounced in his seat. "We all know that you're gay…so just tell us if you're a rapist." Marluxia smiled, "Absolutely, Positively." Acerbus leaned over. "Remind me _not _to see him after the interview." After a few moments, Infernum also leaned over. "Remind me _to_."

Acerbus smiled sweetly down at Demyx. "Honey…" Demyx looked up and grinned. "Okay…now Honey, I need you to tell me how old you are, okay?" Demyx nodded and slowly counted on his fingers. When he reached his desired number, he held them up. "I am exactly 6 and a fourth years old!" Acerbus patted him on the head and handed him a lollipop. "Thank you dear."

Infernum looked at Acerbus strangely. "I thought that you hated those things…" Acerbus blinked. "It doesn't mean that I can't hand them out to children, right?" Infernum furrowed. "No, I meant the children." Acerbus laughed. "Oh no, I love Chibi Children. They're impossible to hate no matter how much I don't like children." Infernum shrugged. "Okay…"

Infernum's gaze turned to Axel as the loud slurping of Demyx was heard in the background. "So…Axel…" the red head shivered in expectancy. "When did you first want to start fucking Roxas?" Three people fell out of their chairs while Saix quickly covered Demyx's ears.

Axel looked shocked. "What…WHAT?! I…I…I don't know what you're talking about! I've…never wanted to do Roxas! I'll even do the catholic cross over the heart thing to prove it!" Roxas, then for the first time, exhibited a response.

"Axel…don't you remember when you got drunk at Luxord's mini-bar?" Luxord snapped his head over. "You blokes were in my mini-bar?!" Infernum shushed him and Roxas continued. "You don't remember anything after that?" Axel shook his head. "No…should I?" Roxas looked off to the side.

"Well…you were drunk and you said a lot of things to me…and you tried to rape Vexen. Don't you remember that?" Marluxia cut in. "I do! I even have pictures!" Axel slowly looked over at him. "I'll see you after the interview." He turned back as the apprehensive Marly looked off to the side.

"No…Roxas…I don't remember any of that…" Roxas sighed. "Oh…okay." Acerbus was biting their lip, a tissue to their tearing eye. Infernum patted them on the back. "It's…it's just so beautiful…" Infernum nodded. Acerbus pushed into the conversation, drying their eyes quickly.

"And this brings us to our final question. Roxas…are you in love with anyone in this room?" Roxas looked at the ground as all eyes simultaneously turned to him. He spoke a little with a bit of confidence and yet just put it out there.

"Well…I did have a crush on Zexion when I first got here…" Zexion widened his eyes in disbelief. Roxas continued. "You know that old saying right? Emos of the Blade have got it made? Well…I don't think that that is actually true…I let it pass…it didn't go anywhere…"

Zexion looked heartbroken and that is a big step because no one in that group is supposed to have hearts. Roxas went on. "I did have a thing for Saix for a while…but he had Demyx." Saix looked sad for a moment before going back to sharing Demyx's lollipop.

"I also liked one other person for a while…but as you may have guessed…it didn't go anywhere either…" Axel cocked his head to the side. "Who?" "It was me!" Marluxia jumped up. "He must have had a crush on me! But it didn't go anywhere obviously because he continued stifling my attempts getting into his pants! That must be it!"

There was silence for a moment before Marluxia suddenly lit up in flames. Marluxia ran around screaming nonsensical blather. "WHAT DID THEY ALWAYS SAY TO DO?! I KNOW! IT WAS STOP, DRUG AND RAPE! STOP, DRUG AND RAPE! WAIT! THAT WASN'T IT AT ALL! HELP! HELP!!!" He fell on the ground a few feet away, the flames dying away as Axel slowly lowered his hand.

Roxas finished. "I was in love with you Axel…but it didn't seem to go anywhere…so…" Axel jumped up and grabbed Roxas' shoulders and spoke deep romantic banter. "Roxas! I DO love you! Don't give up! I'll be there for you! I'll love you like no one else has!" Axel then hugged Roxas to his chest.

Roxas could be slightly heard murmuring from deep within Axel's coat. Axel let him go for a moment. "What did you say?" Roxas repeated. "Are you sure that you aren't too corny for me?" Axel blinked and then smiled. "Whacha say we go into the other room and talk? Got it memorized?" Roxas blinked.

"Don't ever say that again." Axel looked away. "Sorry…" they both sat down, holding hands this time. The rest of the organization seemed completely and utterly chaotic now. There was nothing left to do for them.

Infernum and Acerbus looked at each other. They smiled and got up, slowly walking out of the room. Acerbus smiled at Infernum. "You know, I have to thank you Infernum…I now have all the knowledge that I need to write a bitchin' Kingdom Hearts fic!"

And that is exactly what Acerbus did.

A/N: OHMAGOD! This was random…I know, but I NEEDED to write something solid…and so I did. I started and then just couldn't put it down. I wanted for it to be structured comedy…but I think that it deteriorated as my head started to go funny near the end…it's after midnight by the way as I write this and although midnight doesn't even faze me because I'm an insomniac, it still does weird things to my writing…

Okay…I have so many sources to give credit to…Okay…so I give credit to ALL THAT DESERVE IT! I GIVE IT FREELY! IF YOU WANT CREDIT, YOU CAN HAVE IT! Except of course for the point that I wrote this fic. You can't have my fic. It is mine.

This is my idea and ever since Infernum wrote the coming to a conclusion story, I've wanted to try one of these out. I wrote it all in one go and I will go back through and revise it afterwards, but for right now, I am going to simply write the author's notes and be happy.

Okay, so really I need to give credit for a lot of this and if you are avid readers of manga (which if you aren't, what in the hell are you doing here?) and viewers of Youtube, then you will probably have gotten a lot of these jokes, but a few are actually inside ones to make Infernum laugh.

I give credit to Jin Kobayashi for his creation of School Rumble which I referenced for anyone that got it. I give major credit in many, many ways to the Youtube people SpoonyChan and Arxaith for their generous contributions on Youtube of dubbing a large amount of fanart from ladychimera and some other person that I can't remember the name of, but I DO GIVE CREDIT TO ALL OF YOU AND I LUVS YOU ALL!!!

I apologize to all Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, Emos or Catholics if any of you were offended, but you must realize that this was meant to be funny. I was not trying to be mean if any of you took it the wrong way.

The tanning bed joke was also a reference to Carl…you will find the complete reference in my quotes on my profile. The Puerto Rican thing was all me however.

Yes, all accountants out there, my fic is proof that you are useful!!!

Oh…by the way, for all of you who didn't know, considering that I am writing FANFIC, I do not own KH. And…even if I did own the series, I'd probably still be writing fanfic. I bet I'd have a little more free time.

I give credit to Infernum for all of his lovely quotes…I wrote this without him knowing, so I hope that I captured his psyche…or at least made it funny enough so as he doesn't care.

I owe credit to the "I must be Emo" song and to Nintendo for being awesome. I love them AND I actually DO play Nintendo more…cause it's fun. I've never played a Playstation and do not want to. I'm not THAT into video games…I spent my childhood with books; how'd you spend yours?

To all lesbians that may reading this…I mean no offense to you at all either. I actually truly do love you all. I am a complete lover of the gay community, so I no mean it mean…I know…I wouldn't want to be compared to Lexaeus either…

I'd apologize to Barry White but he's dead…so I win.

If everyone hasn't noticed by now, I intentionally made most of the characters OOC because it's better that way. It's much more fun…also, I made them OOC because I know almost nothing about the series, so if you were shaking your head sadly at the "I can imagine them doing that, but they never, ever, ever would" factor that you may have been experiencing, I cannot help it.

I did come up with these questions, but I'm sure lots of people wanted the answers as well…so maybe it was that I came up with the answers…who knows?

I made Larxene a valley girl. Deal with it. And yes, the S2 joke was an inside one. And yet…I somehow also made her a guest on Maury…weird…

I want all copyrights for Luxord's description of where he's from. I GET THEM!

I apologize to Luxord for Axel raiding his mini-bar…T_T It was a travesty; I'm sure.

I feel bad for Zexion…he had a chance…Oh! And the "Emos of the Blade have got it made" thing? That is completely mine! All mine!

OH! And also, the "STOP, DRUG AND RAPE!" Those are the three steps of Marly's life and they were also COMPLETELY written by ME! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay…what else am I supposed to say for this one? Umm…I really hoped that you liked it and if you didn't…well…it was humor, so it works on some people and it doesn't on others, so I'll just have to deal with it.

However, I would like for you to review…preferably informative reviews if at all possible…oh and I don't know why they would, but NO HATERS! If any haters show up at my PM box…there's gonna be hell to pay…

Anyways, I hoped that everyone liked it and…well…I don't have much of anything else to say…so…this is Acerbus saying buh-bye!

^_~

P.S. I know that Infernum has at least something to say for this fic, so I'll let him give the final blurb.


End file.
